I’m Already Glad I Started

Fabiola: Welcome back to Waiting is at Working. We're still in between season. This is just a conversation in between. My voice is a little rusty today. I'm a little tired. So you may hear that. But I wanted to sit with you for a few minutes and talk about something. A few weeks ago, I was driving and I said to myself, happiness is pursuit. And what I meant was you have to make a conscious effort to do things, even the things that make you happy. That sounds obvious, right? but how often do we actually give those things time? we often treat happiness as if we should just wake up and feel happy. I realized. You can get through an entire week doing what's required of you. You answer people, you show up, you take care of whatever needs your attention. Then someone asks, What would you like to do? And you almost need a minute to remember. Or you know exactly what you want to do. But now you have to get dressed, make the call, and suddenly staying home seems perfectly fine. I am that person. Apparently, enjoying yourself can require a little cooperation. But I was thinking about achievement too. I personally like working towards something bigger than myself. Something that matters beyond whether I can put it on my resume or tell somebody I did it. And yes, sometimes that scares me. I can want an opportunity and still be nervous when it becomes real. Because now there are expectations. I have to prepare. I have to find out whether I can actually do what I said I wanted to do. What will this require? Where am I unprepared? What am I going to have to change about how I spend my time? And somewhere in all of that, I realize I'm happy, worried about a few things, certainly, But happy that I give myself a chance to be here. I think we sometimes expect happiness to feel more comfortable than not. Reimagine having everything settled. nothing hanging over us. Enough money. Enough time. A clear answer. And I would enjoy some of that too. Let's be honest. But some of the things I'm glad I've done required a period of when I didn't feel particularly settled. I had to be new. I had to ask for help. I had to go home and work on something I hadn't done well. There's satisfaction in coming back and finding that you're a little better. Nobody else may notice, but you notice. You feel it. You know it was difficult last week. You know how close you came to putting it off. so when you make progress, it means something to you that another person might not fully understand. That's part of the happiness for me. And I want the result. Of course I do. if I've put time and effort into something, I want it to work. I'm not going to tell you I'll feel exactly the same if it didn't. I would be disappointed. but I also don't want to dismiss everything happening now because I haven't reached the outcome yet. I'm learning. I'm taking myself seriously enough to prepare. I'm finding out what needs work instead of continuing to guess. I like how that feels. I've talked on this podcast about fear and procrastination. Those conversations apply to me after I turn off the microphone. I may be showing my ankle here, but I have to be honest. I still have moments when I would prefer to be told in advance that everything is going to go well. Nobody has offered me that arrangement yet. So I have to decide what I'm willing to do without it. And when something could allow me to contribute, to be useful, to take responsibility. To serve in a way I haven't before, that gives the effort a different meaning. There are people beyond me, who could benefit if I learn to do this well. I want to find out what I can bring to it. That doesn't mean every part of my life needs to be difficult or ambitious. I want to see people I love. I want to have interest. I don't have to explain. Those things require decisions too. I have to leave some time available. I have to reach out. Sometimes I have to stop working. I'm beginning to pay attention to both. The things I enjoy now and the things I would be glad I made an effort toward. Because I can spend a lot of time saying I want to feel differently while giving myself the same day over and over. sometimes there's very little room to change that. I know. but when there's room, even a little, I want to notice what I'm choosing. Then I make space for something I care about. Did I do anything about the thing I keep saying I want? Right now there are things ahead of me that I don't know how to do yet. Some of them scare me. But I'm glad I have them to work on. When I said happiness is pursuit, that was what I was trying to say. I haven't gotten everything I want. There's plenty I'm still unsure about. I'm already glad. It started. and if you are listening, I wonder what you would be glad you give yourself a chance to do. You probably have something in mind. Maybe you've wanted it for so long that you've gotten used to talking about it as something for later. I understand that. You might have to admit how much it matters to you before you know whether it will work. That's a vulnerable thing to do. But I hope you get to have that moment when you're on your way somewhere you're once talked about. A little nervous, checking the time, hoping you're prepared. And it occurs to you, I'm actually doing this. I'd like you to know how that feels. I'll talk to you soon.